Helpless, Ordinary Turtle
by Gwydion
Summary: This wasn't a meal for a returning friend; it was pet food. (Spoilers through Slash and Destroy.)


Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Spoilers up through Slash and Destroy.

**Helpless, Ordinary Turtle**

How would he feel if one day he was back to being just a helpless, ordinary turtle?

Donatello had promised Raphael that he would find a "cure", a retro mutagen to change not only April's father or Timothy back to their former human selves, but return Slash back to Raph's beloved pet turtle, Spike. It had been a promise made to instill hope, Donnie's hand resting lightly on his brother's shoulder, his face set with determination. The red banded turtle had given him one of his half smiles and a quick "thanks", but as he'd watched his younger brother return to his lab, his face had darkened. His genius of a brother always meant well, and Slash had proven to be a very dangerous opponent, but that one simple question would continue to echo in his head for months to come.

If he were in Slash's position, how would he feel having his newfound freedom ripped away, only to be reduced to a pet once more?

He had allowed himself to consider the answer only once. He imagined being unable to fight. He imagined being unable to speak. He imagined being unable to silently race across cold rooftops in the dead of night under the light of a full moon. Raphael had pushed all such thoughts as far away as possible after that, pretending instead that there was no answer. It was easier this way, after all; Slash was still a threat to his family that had to be dealt with, and turning him back into his original form seemed far more humane than being hunted down and slaughtered by his former owner.

Instead of dwelling on the question when it would present itself, Raph began to instead remember all the time he had shared with Spike. He would think about how the little turtle would happily chew on his leaf while he would dramatically recall the events of the day, or picture Spike perched on his shoulder, wiggling his tiny legs as if dancing. He would wake up in bed and imagine that little head with those pale yellow eyes popping out of it's shell as if to wish him a good morning.

After several months, Raph had managed to convince himself so thoroughly that there was simply no room for personal morals that when Donatello had run out of his lab crowing about his first successful batch of retro mutagen, all he could think about was finding his old pet. Changing Mutagen Man back into simply Timothy had been Donnie's first priority, but afterwards it had been decided to find Mr. O'Neil so April could finally be reunited with her father in his original form. Raphael would get so intensely focused on their mission that even Leonardo had begun to ask if something was bothering him. The red banded turtle had responded that he simply didn't want to waste any more time - Kirby had been a mutant bat long enough. But while this was indeed the truth, he refused to admit to their leader that his urgency had more to do with the giant spiked turtle he knew would likely be their next target and the relief he believed he would finally achieve from that single, nagging question.

It had happened suddenly. They had been following a trail they believed to have been left by April's father when a dark, towering shadow took Michelangelo by surprise. The youngest of the four brothers had barely managed to evade the rusty mace as it slammed into the concrete where he had stood only a moment before. A deep growl reverberated in the narrow alleyway, and two bright green eyes looked up and locked with Raph's in a hard gaze.

Without even a second's hesitation, the sai wielding ninja had charged the giant turtle. He would remember little of the fight afterwards, but there would be one moment he knew he would never forget. While Leo used his katanas to redirect the arc of Slash's mace wide to the left, Mikey had used his kusarigama chain to pull his other arm to the right. For a rare split second, he was wide open.

Raph had noticed Donnie pull out the retro mutagen not long before, waiting for a chance to use it, but as the purple banded turtle stood behind their opponent's jagged shelled back, his older brother could feel his hesitation. The look in his brown eyes had softened ever so slightly, his stance was more relaxed, and Raphael could practically see the wheels turning in his brother's head. Whether Donatello was conflicted about using the latest batch of retro mutagen on someone other than Mr. O'Neil or if somehow the question about the morality of the situation had also wormed it's way into the genius's brain Raph would never know. Realizing their ever so small window of opportunity was closing, he did what he had to do. As if his body were being controlled by a power not his own, Raph grabbed the container from his startled brother and threw it directly at Slash's shell.

As the glass jar had hit the hard surface, it shattered and rained to the ground, covering the turtle's back with the blue substance it had contained. The alley was suddenly silent save for the tinkling of the shards of glass, a point in time that had seemed almost frozen in place. But with a thunderous roar of agony, Slash had whirled his head around, and once again two pairs of green eyes found each other. This time, however, the large turtle's eyes had revealed not anger but pain.

* * *

Raphael let out a deep sigh and slowly opened his eyes. He and his brothers had returned to the lair with the demutated turtle, but while the others had gone back out on patrol, Master Splinter had asked that he stay behind. It wasn't hard to guess the reason. Spike hadn't so much as twitched since he'd been returned to his original form. Raph knew he was terrible at hiding his worry and that their sensei was all too aware of his distress. A part of him wished he could be out there helping the others track Kirby, keeping his mind focused on anything but the agonizing wait for his pet to finally wake up. It had to beat meditating at least, which Master Splinter had strongly suggested the impatient turtle do when he found him nearly treading a rut into the floor with his constant pacing.

Raphael had never been good at clearing his mind and just concentrating on his breathing. It had seemed like a waste of time; he had always been more about the physical than the mental. However as he sat alone in the dojo, he couldn't help but be envious of Leonardo's affinity for it. Instead of helping to calm him down, it was only making things worse, because every time he closed his eyes the events of the past few months would play out, again and again. And behind it all was that one question - that one question that was now louder than ever.

He thought of Spike who he'd left back in his room. He grit his teeth, the sound of Slash's last, anguished cry haunting his thoughts.

_How would you feel?_

The question he'd ignored for so long was relentless, as if it had a mind of it's own. He could hear that scream, see those pained eyes staring back at him as if pleading for his help.

_How would you like to go back to being an ordinary turtle?_

Raph squeezed his eyes shut. A part of him knew that it was the best way they could have handled the situation. Slash was a danger to his family. He had to be dealt with somehow. He knew that. Anyone would agree.

But did he really have the right to strip someone of not only their freedom but their mental abilities as well?

His eyes shooting open, the red banded turtle finally stood. The choice had already been made - he'd made it a long time ago - and there was no turning back. He balled his hands into fists and let out a small growl as he stalked back to his room. Sitting on the dojo floor had only served to make him even more anxious. If he was going to be a pile of nerves anyway, he was at least going to keep his ailing pet in sight.

Trying to calm himself down, Raphael took a deep breath, grabbed the handle on his door, and slowly pushed it open, taking care to move as silently as possible. When he peered in and saw the turtle just as he'd left him, he sighed and entered the room. Raph sat down on his bed and stared at Spike resting on the small bed he himself had put together years earlier with an old crate and a spare pillow he'd found. He again began recalling all the times they'd spent together just like this.

"Just like old times, huh?" he said sarcastically, a twinge of sadness in his voice. "I'll bet you thought you'd never be stuck in this room again, having to listen to me talk to myself all the time. Guess it's lucky you're asleep right now, huh, Spike?"

Raph hadn't expected a response, but the smaller turtle's head twitched at the sound of his name. His owner looked on wide eyed as the pet slowly stretched out it's neck and legs, finally stirring from it's long rest.

"Spike?" Raphael let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. He was relieved to see signs of life from the little turtle, but part of him was still nervous. He wasn't entirely sure why; it wasn't as if Spike was going to open his mouth and start yelling and cursing at him, but what if the mutagen hadn't been to blame for warping his brain into that of an angry, manipulating monster? What if Slash really was all his fault from the start and still in there somewhere?

It was then that the waking turtle finally opened his eyes. Raphael let out a small gasp. Everything about the small turtle had seemed back to the way it was before his mutation - the texture of his skin, the intricate design on his shell, his tiny tail that just barely peeked out from under it - but where once were two familiar pale yellow orbs, there staring back at him was a pair of bright green eyes.

Raph gaped as Spike calmly peered up at him, blinking slowly. It suddenly felt as if his heart had lodged itself in his throat. The mere act of looking into those eyes was enough to cause the pained look they once held and the cry that had accompanied them to come flooding back yet again. He didn't know how long he sat there in shocked silence, but at last Spike let out a soft grunt that shook the larger turtle out of his daze.

"Hey there, little guy," he said at last, swallowing hard. "How ya feeling?"

He could barely keep his voice from shaking. A part of him wanted to reach out and pat the turtle's shell lovingly like he'd always done in the past, but those green eyes stayed his hand.

"That fight - what happened probably took a lot out of you," he continued. Suddenly very self conscious about directly addressing the events that took place only a few hours before, he quickly added, "You must be hungry, huh?"

Raphael was somehow relieved to hear a soft grunt in reply. A part of him had always believed that Spike's behavior had proven some amount of understanding, that he and the small turtle were indeed able to communicate. The fact that Slash seemed to remember all of their time together and various things that he'd said had strengthened this belief. He therefore chose to see the small noise as an affirmative response to his question.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Raph stood up with a faint smile. "Don't you worry; I'll be right back." With that, he practically ran out his door and toward the kitchen, knowing exactly where to find what he was looking for. Opening the refrigerator, he grabbed a fresh leaf of lettuce. Nearly slamming the door shut, he hurried back to his room and set it down gently in front of his pet.

"There you go, Spike. I made sure we always had some around, just in case..."

Before the words "you came back" could escape his mouth, he paused. It would have been a lie, of course. Even if Slash had somehow had a change of heart, Raphael knew the mutated turtle would likely have been interested in eating more than just a lettuce leaf. No, he had kept the kitchen stocked with the vegetable because he knew that the plan was to ultimately change Slash back into Spike. This wasn't a meal for a returning friend; it was pet food.

_Just a helpless, ordinary turtle..._

As the silent turtle gratefully took a bite from his leaf, Raph sighed. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he slumped over, resting his elbows on his knees, and stared at the floor.

_How would you feel?_

"...this is all my fault," he said softly. He had never voiced his fears to the rest of his family, but now that it was just him with Spike happily eating his food, the two of them alone in his room just like it'd been for years, he couldn't help but feel the urge to finally let out everything he'd been holding in. He breathed out a long sigh.

"All that time, all I'd ever talk about was how strong I was, how everyone was just holding me back. Everything you did and said as Slash was because I put those thoughts in your head. 'Our anger makes us strong.' Come on, I'd said those exact words to you how many times?"

Raph glanced at Spike who took another bite from his leaf. When the hungry animal's green eyes met his, the larger turtle stood and turned away. "But I was wrong. And worse, even when I knew I was wrong, I still wouldn't admit it." He started pacing. "All I ever did was complain. 'Mikey ruined my stuff. Donnie's always blowing things up. Leo just gets in my way.'

"But you know what?" Raphael turned back to the small turtle. "I never told you all the good things. Heck, I don't know if I told you any good things! Truth is, Mikey can be a lot of fun; he's always just so obnoxiously positive. And have I mentioned how many times Donnie's brains have helped us take down the Kraang? We would have been dead ten times over without him! And Leo..."

The turtle paused, glancing away from his pet. "I never told you about how he sacrificed himself twice in the span of a few hours - for us. I was able to save him the first time, but the second..." Raph sat back down. "We really thought he was gone. All I talked about was how much better I thought I'd be without him, but I've never been so scared as I was when I saw Leo single-handedly holding back the mother of all Kraang while the rest of us flew off to safety."

The mutant turtle again looked at Spike. "You know why I never told you any of that?" The hungry turtle blinked as he returned the gaze before going in for another bite. "I thought it showed weakness. I didn't want anyone to know that I was afraid or that sometimes I needed help. It seemed like I'd be admitting that I wasn't strong enough." Raphael fell back onto his bed, his arms spread out as he lifted his eyes toward the ceiling. "But in the end, all I did was create a monster.

"When we first fought each other, it was like all my anger was standing right there, staring me in the face. I did that to you. I turned you against my own family without even realizing it." Gritting his teeth, he reached up and covered his eyes, gripping his head in frustration. His voice grew louder, "It was all my fault you ended up that way, and how did I handle it? By turning you back into a harmless pet! I put that mutagen in the room with you. I corrupted your brain. Heck, I even almost got you killed by making you fall off that building! And the only way I could think to fix it was by robbing you of your freedom. It was all my fault, but you were the one that got punished for it."

Raph's voice was soft again, and he removed his hands from his face, resting them on his plastron. He suddenly felt drained, and his eyes betrayed his raw emotions.

"I'm gonna hear that scream in my nightmares, and I'll never forget the way you looked at me. All that pain - I might as well have literally stabbed you in the back." The red banded turtle paused again, and with his voice barely above a whisper, he added, "You must really hate me."

Lying there in silence, Raphael sighed and turned his head to look at the smaller turtle. Spike merely sat on his tiny bed with his partially eaten leaf in front of him, returning his gaze. With their green eyes locked, Raph couldn't help but imagine all the animosity he felt must be behind them. The larger turtle roughly pushed himself back into a sitting position.

"I'll bet you hate me, don't you?" he said again, his voice back to it's usual intensity, "Chew on your leaf if you hate me."

It'd been a game of sorts Raph had played with his pet ever since he found him. He somehow took comfort in the fact that no matter what it was that he said, a hungry Spike would always be more than happy to show his agreement. But now the little turtle simply sat there unmoving, his eyes earnestly focused on his owner.

Raphael frowned. In the past, Spike had always just kept eating until all his food was gone. "Done already? You're not hungry anymore?" As he reached over to remove the half eaten leaf, the small turtle let out a grunt and set his right front foot down on his food, his green eyes narrowing.

The mutant turtle sat back slightly stunned as his pet stared at him a moment longer. He'd never displayed such behavior before. As Spike lifted his foot off the leaf and again began to eat, Raph simply looked on, bewildered.

"Ok, so you are still hungry. What, you think I'll get mad and stop feeding you if I know you hate me?" he asked sarcastically. The turtle continued to calmly gulp down his food. "Fine, then how about this," Raph tried again, "Chew on your leaf if you wish you were still Slash."

Silence fell in the cramped room as Spike again chose to ignore the leaf in favor of looking up at his owner. The teenager's eyes narrowed as he glowered back, quickly growing impatient.

"alright, now you're just messing with me," he turtle growled, "There's no way you'd rather be stuck in here with me when you could be out there in the fresh air, just running around or stomping some Purple Dragons or something. We live in a smelly sewer where you have to depend on me for food, and your only source of entertainment is listening to me complain all day. Is that really what you want?"

Spike took a bite from his leaf.

Raphael froze, his eyes wide. His heart suddenly seemed as if it might beat out of his chest, and he could feel a lump forming in his throat. As he watched his pet continue to eat, seemingly unfazed by his owner's distress, the larger turtle tried to process everything that had just happened. The rational side of his brain told him it was all just a coincidence; as much as Raph liked to think he and Spike had some deeper connection that allowed them to communicate, he was, after all, just an ordinary turtle. But that didn't keep him from wildly hoping that his rational side was wrong.

The two turtles sat quietly while Spike finished his leaf, the mutant turtle's thoughts blurring together in an emotional whirlwind. He knew it was impossible to know for sure if the small turtle retained anything more than Slash's eyes from his mutation, but as he gulped down the last bite of food and peered up with his new green eyes, Raph swore he could see the faintest of smiles on the small turtle's face.

The red banded turtle tried to blink away the moisture suddenly threatening to fall from his eyes. As he returned the smile, he was vaguely aware that this was the happiest he'd felt in almost a year. Cautiously, he reached out his hand and gently laid it on Spike's shell, rubbing it ever so softly. The small turtle grunted his approval, enjoying the attention.

"Don't you worry, buddy," Raphael whispered as he stroked his friend's shell, "If you ever need anything, I'll always be right here. I promise."

* * *

"Well would you look at that."

"What is it, Donnie?"

"Ooh, ooh, let me see!"

"Keep it down, Mikey!"

"Geez, sorry, Leo, I - awww, look at them! That's so adorable! Ooh! I gotta get my camera!"

"I don't think I've ever seen him look so peaceful."

"Not for about 10 months and 16 days, anyway."

"I got the camera! Let me through; I gotta get a better angle."

"Careful, Mikey. We don't want to wake him."

"Yeah, he's barely slept since I finished the retro mutagen last week."

"Got it! Check it out. Man, this needs to be framed - proof that Raph doesn't just look grumpy all the time."

"Yeah, I'm definitely going to need a copy of that for the wall in my lab."

"Just make sure to hide your camera. You don't want him breaking it when he finds out you snuck into his room while he was sleeping."

"Indeed, it is most impolite to spy on your brother."

The three turtles jumped and turned sheepishly to Master Splinter who had appeared behind them without warning. Michelangelo quickly hid his camera behind his back and put on his most innocent smile.

"Spying, sensei?" he said nervously, "We weren't spying. We just wanted to make sure Raph was ok. Right?"

"I'm sorry, sensei," added Donatello, "It was my idea to check up on him. After everything that happened tonight..."

Leonardo cut in as his brother's thought trailed off. "He just seemed so anxious lately. We've all been worried about him, and when we ran into Slash - Spike - tonight, he just charged him head on. I don't think he said two words to us the whole way back to the lair."

Splinter stroked his thin beard and looked at his sons thoughtfully. "Yes, I too was concerned about Raphael's recent behavior, and your desire to look after him is commendable. But for now it is best if he gets some rest. You three should do the same."

"Hai, sensei," Leo replied, knowing better than to argue. The three boys all gave quick bows and headed off to their respective rooms, Mikey smiling as he again pulled up the candid photo on his camera.

When the last of his boys was out of sight, the ninja master turned back to his second son's door which was still slightly ajar and peered in. There Raphael lay on his back, breathing deeply as he slept, his face the picture of serenity. On his plastron was Spike who was also fast asleep. One of Raph's large hands was resting protectively on top of the little turtle's shell.

The tall rat couldn't help but smile as he quietly closed the door, making a mental note to also request a copy of his youngest son's latest photo.

* * *

A/N: It's been over 7 years since I posted/updated anything on here, but this one was just begging to be written down. Critics and grammar nazis appreciated! Thanks for reading!


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